5 Ways to Love Well By Creating Healthy Boundaries
5 ways to love well by creating healthy boundaries:
Contrary to popular belief, boundaries are loving and kind. We all want to love well, and be kind, right? At least, that is what I’m hoping! I’m assuming we also want to have healthy relationships, inner peace, and even have less guilt and shame that hinder our growth. Having healthy boundaries help us in ALL these categories and more. Boundaries are also authentic and fluid for each individual. We are not robots, and we do not all have the same boundaries, and that is also what makes creating authentic boundaries all the more difficult. They fluctuate from relationship to relationship, and from season to season. My hope in this blog is to give you some tips on how to honor and attune to your own authentic boundaries, while also helping you release the possible stigma that boundaries are selfish and unholy.
Giving Grace: Both for others AND yourself. Shortly into grad school, I heard the term “stop shoulding yourself”. I didn’t like it. I thought it was cheesy. But, let’s take a moment to pause and reflect on the times we subconsciously or consciously say “should” or “shouldn’t”. More than likely, there's a judgment or a note of shame attached to it. “I should'' be thinner!” (shame) “I should have been more confident”, (not helpful), or they should never parent that way (judgement). When we begin to gain awareness on the amount of times we use the word “should” or “shouldn’t” in a given day, it calls us forward to a different way of thinking about ourselves and others. Quite frankly, the should’s in our life just get in the way. The should’s and the shouldn'ts leave us with more shame, more rigid boundaries, and less ability to tune into our true self. Once we recognize this mental pattern, it provides us grace for others and ourselves to have less rules and less rigidity. It provides the freedom to intuitively decide with a bit less judgment what boundaries may work for others or for yourself.
Body awareness- Did you ever leave a conversation and get sick to your stomach? Our bodies have a voice. Yet, more often than not, we are taught to quiet, shame, or even numb what our bodies have to say. When we shut down our body's voice, perhaps because we feel we shouldn’t have such feelings, we ignore the opportunity to establish our own authentic boundaries. There’s a reason you get that sick feeling in your stomach. Honor it. Listen to it. By suppressing and betraying ourselves in this way, we might develop alternative coping strategies and mental ailments, specifically things such as disordered eating, depression, and anxiety. Don’t betray your own self by feeling the need to meet others expectations. Check in with your awesome body throughout the day. (yes I said awesome)! Your body takes you amazing places in this life, so honor it! Take a moment to draw your attention inward, scanning your body from your feet all the way up to the crown of your head. Notice any sensations, good, bad, or neutral . You don’t need to do anything about that sensation, besides notice it, if it’s uncomfortable, that is OK. Just be with your body and with yourself. This is a simple exercise to start with in gaining that body awareness, and can help you establish some good healthy boundaries. Lean into the discomfort. I guarantee you can sit with that discomfort longer than you think, and that discomfort has something to say!
Community: Hebrews 10:24-35: “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching”.
Surround yourself with people who lovingly hold you accountable. If we grew up with a critical, more judgmental family, or members of our people who teach us the art of constantly critiquing, we shut down the right side of our brain that gives us encourages freedom to express, thus creating more rigid boundaries, as opposed to honoring our own need for authentic boundaries. On the contrary, if we grew up with family members who were overly dismissing, or constantly picked up after us,(metaphorically and otherwise), we fail to learn the importance of accountability, which is crucial too, for holding authentic boundaries. So, as adults, we need to intentionally seek out this community and surround ourselves with those who resemble love and acceptance, and love us in such a way that also calls us to be better.
Quiet time:. When we carve out intentional space, to listen and tune in to our hearts, we allow our authentic voice to be heard. We start to notice the ways we have violated or betrayed our own boundaries. Take time to sit with yourself. If you are a person of faith, invite God to the table. Ask them questions, quiet yourself long enough to listen. Yes it's uncomfortable, it's boring, it may even feel wasteful, etc. but it is one of the key ingredients in helping you attune to your boundaries in order to help leverage you toward healing. When you notice the discomfort lurking at your door, perhaps invite it in, what does it have to say?
Talk to your therapist or your pastor: Having an unbiased voice in the room to hear what you may overlook or to help us reflect on the cyclical patterns we can find ourselves in, brings greater awareness. It may even bring validation for what you are feeling and needing in your life as it relates to boundaries.
Boundaries, and guarding of our hearts is something God calls us to in order to protect our hearts and minds, and ultimately to allow us to flourish! . (Proverbs 4:23). Boundaries are loving both towards ourselves and for others.