Attachment
To be alive and breathing is to know brokenness, and we each experience different forms and levels of this brokenness. With this being said, I believe we are each made in the image of God, who is relational at the core. That is why we can both heal and break within a relationship, yet thrive best when we have a secure attachment. As a therapist, I often notice the core of what some are facing often ties back to attachment patterns. When we are first born, we come out screaming and crying because we went from having all of our needs met to being cold and hungry. So, naturally, someone typically attends to our needs. This is where attachment really begins to form, at least outside of utero. I work with people who are hoping to heal their attachment wounds. In order to find healing, it starts within a secure and healthy relationship.
Our attachment wounds can manifest in different ways. Sometimes it looks like disordered eating, or feelings of anxiety whenever you talk to someone who reminds you of your mom or, your dad for instance. It might look like over identifying or under identifying with your emotions, or pulling back when you start getting close to someone intimately. It might look like lashing out or losing your temper. It might look like being overly attached to someone who they themselves are unhealthy. Whatever our ways of manifesting these wounds, we do it.
So what does a healthy relationship look like?
Boundaries: “When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated”. Brene Brown. A healthy relationship has boundaries. In a healthy relationship, you are able to speak your truth without fear. You emotionally, psychologically and spiritually have some type of awareness of where you end and the other person begins. It's a give and take relationship that feels honoring to you. What can be so tricky about boundaries is they ebb and flow. They are not stagnant, nor are they set in stone. They fluctuate based on the person and possibly based on the season of life. Yet you are worthy of setting boundaries. In fact, when we establish boundaries in our relationships, it provides us with greater freedom and joy, and I often find there is more to give when boundaries are set.
2. Safety: A healthy relationship provides a strong sense of safety to express your feelings, needs or wants without fear of what the other person may do, or fear of being reprimanded. At times, we may feel nervous to broach certain topics with our loved one, for instance. This may be an indicator that something is off balance.
3. You have relationships outside of just one relationship: A healthy relationship doesn’t deeply struggle with control. And if a relationship perhaps has struggles around control, there is awareness to work through these issues of control. It is impossible to expect any single person to meet ALL of our relational needs. We need friendships, mentors, etc. In a secure and healthy relationship, both parties have freedom to have other relationships that are healthy and safe.
4. Equality and Respect: Healthy relationships will have equality and mutual respect.
5. Forgives and Lets Go: 1 Corinthians 13 reminds us that love keeps no record of wrongs. When we hold whatever record of wrongs over our loved ones, this is creating an unhealthy and unsafe environment and will cause the relationship to suffer greatly. When we are able to release and let go, it allows us to live more freely within that relationship.
Some words that come to mind when I think of a healthy relationship are the following: strong, transparent, respectful, balanced, kind, relaxed. Some words that come to mind when I think of an unhealthy relationship are: belittling, arrogant, controlling, manipulative, insecure, unstable, one sided, unsafe, tense, uncomfortable, fake. I’m sharing these words to help paint a better picture for the feelings that come along with either a healthy or an unhealthy relationship.
It's really hard to change the dance with someone after you have been doing the same old dance your whole entire lifetime. So how do we start forming healthy relationships when maybe, we never have had this modeled to us? Or maybe, we want to start living out a more healthy lifestyle with someone in our life. How do we reset family or other relationships to be a bit healthier? It starts with taking a step back, and paying attention to your own emotions and your own body can provide good insight. Our bodies are incredible indicators for helping us reestablish boundaries. We can’t expect relationships to change over night, and often times, we might even notice we take one step forward, just to take two steps back. Keep working at it. Keep tuning into your body, and have a safe space to talk with someone about your goals within your relationship. Our relationships are worth working for!